A few months back I placed myself in the center of a homebrewed social experiment, something I find myself doing more and more often as of late in the search for new and interesting writing material on this awful and tremendously boring island. Anyhow, when I first undertook this challenge I failed miserably, may be lasting one day, if that. I just wasn’t ready and hadn’t quite yet realized the magnitude of such an undertaking and all that it entails. Well I’ve finally brushed myself off and tracked down the fiend-horse that had so brutally flung me to the dirt and took off. I’m ready to get back on that horse and try again and restate my original thesis as follows.
I have made a hasty and compulsive decision, another to add to the laundry list. From this moment onward I vow and test my will and wits to see if I can go thirty days without breaking “the law.” 30 days, not one single solitary little law. Actually judging from how quickly I faltered on my last attempt I’ll drop it down to seven days. Yes, seven days and we’ll see how it goes and take it from there. 168 hours as a first-rate respectable and law-abiding citizen. The best way to do this to live like Ned Flanders.
Ah to lead the life of the law abiding citizen, to taste the ignorance, to smell the fear of the “Average Joe,” if only for one week. I can only assume a barrage of mindless boredom is headed directly for my path. The chance one must take if he so chooses to be the control in his own experimentations. The vices of the other days Irish celebrations are now behind us so bring it on. It certainly couldn’t hurt or wouldn’t kill me and it could quite possibly serve for the betterment of my personal being, something I’ve been striving for as of late, which is why I intend to give it a shot, even if it is a blind shot into the darkness.
I will be interesting to study how this brain reacts to such an extremely reciprocated state. I can only imagine what new and interesting things the voices in my head will have to say during my state of antithesis.
I will survey and closely monitor all fluctuations in mental status and brain activity to the best of my capacity during the experimentation period, i.e.: urges to break the law, what triggers me to want to break the law, and what happens when I refrain from doing so when I really want to. When I have the urge to do wrong i will simply ask myself, "What would Ned do?"
The experiment should prove interesting nevertheless, even to a layman. Really take it in for a moment, not breaking a single law. I’m sure even the average church going grandma breaks “the law” at least once a day in some form or another.
“The law” is for the most part absurd and superfluous, precisely why it is so fragile, like an old Faberge egg, so easy to break, even when you’re not trying. No smoking laws for example: “hey you can’t smoke in this building!” exclaims The Man. (The Man being whoever chooses to enforce “the law” in question that is being broken) “Well, okay sir I’ll just smoke outside then,” replies The Average Joe. The Average Joe takes a few steps outside and sparks up another cigarette. “HEY YOU!” The Average Joe looks up and to his utter lack of surprise, he finds The Man, standing before him. The Man is pointing at sign that reads, “no smoking within fifty feet of this building.” “Crikey, what fucking difference does it make?” wonders The Average Joe. The Man, points, with a fifty-foot long index finger to a bench in the distance, flanked on both sides by cigarette urns. What a stupid law, so easy to break. Have a seat Ned.
And thousands of others exist, equally preposterous and even easier to break. Not one hit of the pot. The Man says that smoking the pot is against “the law” and can turn The Average Joe into a crazed and ravenous rapist. Total honesty with law enforcement, not one mile over the speed limit, no lying to police officers, lawyers, judges or other types that fall into “The Man” category, in order to save your hide or avoid sketchy legal dealings. “Yes sir, I did realize that I exceeded the speed limit by about 15 in the school zone, but I was running late for my date with a prostitute, with whom I intend to smoke the marijuana I’m holding after she performs her services. I’m actually under the influence right now my eyes aren’t red because I used clear eyes. Bear with me one moment sir while I call the prostitute and tell her I’m turning myself in for my offenses.”
Imagine the audacity of the young man who walks up to the lotto scratch off machine knowing full well that he is not of the legal age and maturity level to partake in such grown up and sophisticated luxuries, yet he plunges the dollar in and purchases the ticket any way. Or, consider the teenager illegitimately obtaining cigarettes by means of false identification, or the liquor store clerk that knowingly sells booze to minors. What a savage dangerous gang of law breaking degenerates.
Half the friggn universe is guilty of downloading copy written material, ghosts, elves, aliens and household pets included. Where do you think all the kitty porn on your computer comes from? Ha-ha. Movies obtained and viewed long before they grace the racks of Block Buster, albums leaked and shared and listened to by the general public before the artist that created the shit even got a chance to give it a listen. “Stealing” and sharing computer software bundles valuing up to a thousand dollars for free and easy breezy. I’m “stealing” right now. But, now I'm not. I've just stopped sharing and downloading the files that were brewing, so i'm no longer breaking "the law." Stealing anything period. gainst da law. Breaking “the law” in some form is second nature to millions this day and age and some of them are probably doing so unaware that their activities are illicit.
The more I write and think about the challenge I’m preparing to undertake for the second time the more reasons I see why I failed so quickly the first go at it. Even SKATEBOARDING. Friggn skateboarding, my first true love, the one thing that would never turn its tail on me and roll off. Even skateboarding is against “the law.” Grotesquely absurd idea that for some stupid fascist reason it’s illegal for a child or even a grown man to roll around on a wooden toy with plastic wheels. It may be strange to some folks, the idea that grown men play on skateboards, but I’m certain those same folks wouldn’t find any reason for the activity to be deemed illegal. Being a 25 year old who fancies a cruise on his wooden toy with plastic wheels, I’ve fallen victim to persecution because of this on innumerable occasions. So now, for a short time, and for the sake of the experiment I will only ride my skateboard in the designated locations where it is permitted and with the appropriate safety gear as enforced by “the law.”
If “the law” was created for the benefit and protection of the average man, why are there so many arbitrary laws floating around just waiting around for the oblivious passerby to get hung up on and busted? Almost every body breaks the all-encompassing law everyday, unless, I’m the only one that feels like this.
It will be an interesting study indeed. Ill keep an eye open for average folks breaking “the law,” no matter how absurd or pointless it may be. I will document instances and events where I would normally be breaking the law, but cant because I am taking part in a very important study wherein I must try to remain the one perfect control in world full of vagrant law breaking variables. For the first time, I will have to be on my very best behavior at all times.
Last time I tried this experiment I failed for littering the cellophane from my cigarette out the window, but then realized I had been littering wrappers and butts receipts without realizing that this was against “the law.” Will I make it this time? I’ve done more research and taken a note of easy slipups that could rear their ugly “law breaker” mugs at any given moment. I feel up to the challenge: psyched, aware, enlightened and invigorated. Dead calm and ready for the conquest. Seven days at least.
Well, we’ll have to see lad, but as of this very moment, 1:17 pm on Monday, March 17, 2008 I am a perfectly well behaved and law abiding citizen of these her United States. I hear the crowd start to cheer. A loud whistle, fireworks over the Atlantic to mark the commencement of my journey into a strict Ned Flandersesque style of living.
